When you know someone who’s grieving, you probably want to do whatever you can to help them, right?
But when talking to them, be mindful of the words that you choose, because the age-old saying that “words can hurt” is most definitely true.
So, what are some of the things that you should avoid saying? And what can you say instead?
Here are five that I personally dealt with when I lost my dad.
1. “How are you doing?”
This is instinctively the first thing that we tend to ask each other.
But when you’re talking to someone who’s grieving, try to avoid asking this question, especially when the pain’s new.
Because when I was asked this question multiple times after my dad passed away, even during the visitation and the funeral, all I could think was: Seriously? How do you think I’m doing? My dad just died!
Instead, try acknowledging the fact that what they’re going through is serious and painful. Let them know that their feelings are valid and that you’re there for them.
2. “I understand what you’re going through.”
You probably want to let someone who’s grieving know that they’re not alone. And that’s great!
But you shouldn’t say that you understand what they’re going through, because the reality is: you don’t.
Please don’t try to compare losing that one dog you had as a kid to someone losing their parent.
It’s not the same thing.
You should instead say something along the lines of, “I don’t understand what you’re going through, but you can talk to me about it if you need or want to.”
Allowing them to have the opportunity to speak for themselves and to openly identify what they’re feeling helps them to know that, although you can’t relate to them, you’re there for support.
3. “You’re handling this better than I expected. How are you so strong?”
Perhaps you admire someone for their strength during such a difficult time, and you’d like to acknowledge how proud you are of them for doing so well. I know that most of the time, this is well-intentioned.
But you still shouldn’t say that they’re doing better than you expected (or ask how they could be so strong), because honestly, they’re most likely only putting up a front to avoid having to try to explain what they’re actually feeling anyway.
So, you should instead let them know that it’s okay to not be okay.
Try reaching out and doing something nice for them, even if it’s just by giving them company on a particularly bad day.
Be their strength.
4. “You’ll get over it.”
This should go without saying, but please don’t tell someone who’s grieving that they’ll get over it.
Just because the person they’ve lost is no longer physically here, that doesn’t mean that their love for them has ceased to exist, and therefore, neither will their pain.
Grief’s not something that they’ll overcome, but rather, it’ll become a part of who they are, forever. It can be stirred up at any time, by anything, or by anyone.
When I was told this by several people when I lost my dad, all I could think was: How dare you? He died long before he ever should have! It doesn’t make any sense! It’s not fair! You don’t understand! You don’t care!
Instead, try saying, “I’ll be here for you every step of the way”, and live by that statement to the best of your ability.
Never make someone who’s grieving feel like their grief should have an expiration date.
5. Silence.
If nothing else, you may feel uncomfortable even trying to talk to someone who’s grieving because you don’t know what the right thing to say is.
But you shouldn’t remain silent, because silence can be deafening.
Your silence may come across negatively to someone who’s grieving, because it could make them feel as if you don’t care about them, how they’re feeling, or what they’re going through.
Rather than saying nothing, you should instead share something with them, such as a fond memory you have of their loved one, or spend the day doing something with them that they enjoy.
Just because you may not know what the “right” thing to say is, that doesn’t mean that you’re not capable of helping someone who’s grieving in some way.
You have all the capability in the world.
