“Just remember the good times that you had with them!” “It could always be worse!” “Just try not to think about it!” “Everything happens for a reason!” “Just stay positive!”
Do any of these sound familiar to you? And, ahem, obnoxiously insensitive?
That’s because they most likely are.
As a griever, you’ve probably heard many of these phrases before (and for that, I’m so sorry).
These are all classic examples of what’s known as toxic positivity.
What is toxic positivity?
As clinical psychologist Dr.Jaime Zuckerman , toxic positivity is “the assumption, made by either oneself or others, that despite a person’s emotional pain, they should only have a positive mindset”.
In other words, it’s basically the cliché saying of “good vibes only” that you see plastered everywhere nowadays.
Unfortunately, toxic positivity can take many forms: a chastising family member, a random offhanded comment by some stranger on the internet, a close friend’s recent spike in productivity and success, or even your own deep thoughts and feelings.
But luckily, I have good news for you. And it seems like a no-brainer, but it should still be said: you don’t have to pretend that everything’s okay when it isn’t.
It’s okay to be human.
What are the signs of toxic positivity?
Some of the most common of toxic positivity are:
1. ignoring your problems rather than facing them
2. feeling guilty about being anything other than happy
3. hiding your true feelings to be more socially acceptable
4. minimizing other people’s feelings because they make you feel uncomfortable
5. shaming other people for not being positive
6. trying to force yourself to “get over” painful emotions
Why is toxic positivity so harmful?
Toxic positivity can cause a lot of major negative reactions, many of which are mentioned above.
Let me explain.
So let’s say that you’re talking to a colleague about losing a loved one. You’re sharing your authentic emotions with them, pouring out your heart and soul, and all you get in return is a huge slap in the face of them saying, “Well, everything happens for a reason, so maybe you should just try to get over it.” Ouch.
They walk away and continue on with their day, unbothered, while you stand there feeling dismissed and ignored. You start to think to yourself, maybe they’re right…maybe I’m just being overdramatic?
Then, the shame and the guilt hits, and you think, I mean, yeah, I really should look on the bright side, you know? There are lots of other people who have it much worse than me anyway. As they say, happiness is a choice, after all, right? How stupid of me to be so upset.
And so from there on out, anytime that anyone genuinely wants to talk to you about what you’re going through, you give them that easy “I’m fine” that everyone has used a million times over, and that’s the end of it. True emotions are shoved down. Only happy, happy, happy. God, why did I ever even talk about it? I’m never going to do that again!
See how this snowballs into one terrible reaction after another?
That’s because toxic positivity doesn’t allow for any true human connection or growth.
It’s just a lazy get-out-of-jail-free card that’s used in order to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
And in case you didn’t already know, that’s totally not okay.
How can you overcome toxic positivity?
So how can you avoid the scenario mentioned above? How can you remain true to yourself and your feelings, even the not-so-pleasant ones? How can you grow in your grief and become a better person out of it?
1. avoid ignoring or suppressing your real emotions
2. listen to and validate others—this also includes yourself
3. communicate your feelings with your friends and family
4. be realistic with yourself and the timeline of your grief
5. take a break from social media, if needed
6. greet each emotion with self-compassion
7. carry a journal to record your emotions and how they make you feel when they unexpectedly show up
8. practice meditation and breathing exercises to help relieve any stress
9. seek further professional help, if needed
Remember, no matter what anyone else says, no matter what you might even say to yourself sometimes:
your feelings are real, your feelings are normal, and your feelings matter.
Have you ever dealt with toxic positivity? Share your experience in the comments below!
Resources:
Cherry, Kendra. “What Is Toxic Positivity?” Verywell Mind, 31 Dec. 2020, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958#:~:text=Toxic%20positivity%20is%20the%20belief,vibes%20only%22%20approach%20to%20life.
Scully, Simone. “‘Toxic Positivity’ Is Real — and It’s a Big Problem During the Pandemic.” Healthline, 22 July 2020, www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-positivity-during-the-pandemic.
Yuko, Elizabeth. “How to Avoid Toxic Positivity (And Handle It When It Comes Your Way).” Lifehacker, Lifehacker, 6 Sept. 2020, lifehacker.com/how-to-avoid-toxic-positivity-and-handle-it-when-it-co-1844966691.