Have you ever felt like, no matter what you do, you’re always exhausted?
And I’m not talking about feeling the urge of that mid-afternoon yawn coming on that’s warning you it might be time for a nap.
I’m talking about the kind of exhaustion that you can feel in your bones. The kind of exhaustion that you can’t shake.
If so, you might be struggling with what’s known as grief fatigue.
What is grief fatigue?
As grief counselor, Alejandra Vasquez, explains, the impact of grief “[can be] so overpowering at points that it can be hard to function even in day-to-day life…the emotional ups and downs that you’ll experience, coupled with lack of sleep and an erratic eating schedule, can all contribute to feeling tired and unable to function at your normal levels”.
So if you feel like you’ve experienced this before, or if you’re currently experiencing this, please know that you’re incredible for carrying this weight and that you’re allowed to be tired.
Grief is heavy.
What are the different types of grief fatigue?
Unfortunately, there’s more than one way to feel tired. It could be physical, mental, emotional, or even spiritual!
As What’s Your Grief co-founder, Eleanor Haley, explains, knowing that there’s more than one kind of tired “can help normalize the many reasons you might feel exhausted in grief…[and] if you can step back to notice the type of tired that you’re feeling, it might even help you to identify ways to cope”.
Here are just a few.
Insomnia. What most people don’t realize is that insomnia can actually occur in three different ways, not just one! If you’re struggling with insomnia, you’re either having difficulty falling asleep, difficulty remaining asleep, or persistently waking up much earlier than you should be.
Sleeping too much. This might sound counterintuitive, but getting too much sleep can upset the body’s rhythms and increase daytime fatigue when you deviate from your normal sleep patterns.
Changes in routine. If you’ve ever Googled good sleep habits, you’ve probably noticed that establishing a routine is always one of the top recommendations for sleeping well. But with grief, most routines go out the window, which unfortunately messes with your biological clock and circadian rhythms.
The mind is in overdrive. To put it simply, dealing with grief is just plain overwhelming. Between handling preparations, facing new challenges, overcoming grief fog, fighting the urge to scream and cry, and trying to somehow get your life back together again, you’ve got a lot going on. And not only do you experience this during the day, but you probably also do so at night when you’re trying to sleep. Because, as usual, grief so inconveniently does not grasp (nor care about) the concept of time.
Frequent exposure to reminders of the loss. No matter which way you turn, it often seems like there are reminders of your grief everywhere. And dealing with those triggers can be exhausting. So much so that you might come to a point where you’re being hypervigilant in order to avoid those triggers at all costs.
Being hypervigilant out of fear of having to face the loss. Speaking of hypervigilance, which is remaining in a state of increased alertness, it can definitely disrupt your daily functioning as well as your sleep schedule at night. This is particularly problematic if you feel vulnerable in your grief and perceive elements of your grief as threatening (i.e. trying to avoid your grief, push it down, bottle it up, etc.).
Bad dreams. Not only can bad dreams make you wake up prematurely, but once you’re up, there’s also no guarantee that you can get back to sleep. Or, if you’re someone who regularly experiences nightmares anyway, you might have anxiety about falling asleep at all in the first place. So when grief is then stacked on top of all of that, bad dreams are even more likely to occur as a response to the trauma.
Psychological disorders. Sometimes fatigue is a symptom of an underlying psychological disorder, like depression or anxiety. Of course, some physical disorders can also cause fatigue! But grief, though not necessarily a disorder itself, often heavily contributes to developing mental health conditions or extending upon them even further if they’re already present.
You’re choosing harmful coping over constructive coping. This is a hard pill to swallow, but when most people are dealing with grief, they often choose coping mechanisms that are quick, easy, and numbing, rather than constructive and helpful. For example, you might choose to eat a bunch of junk food and binge-watch a comfort show all night instead of drinking a glass of water and doing a relaxing meditation before bed. While the former is an absolutely normal response to grief, it does unfortunately compound feelings of fatigue.
You’re stressed. Duh! Who isn’t, right? But stress, as you probably well know, puts an enormous tax on the body. And when dealing with grief, there’s more than a good chance that the stress has been piled on tenfold now. If you’re facing chronic stress that can’t necessarily be overcome, your mental, emotional, and physical resources will likely become depleted much faster than normal.
How can you cope with grief fatigue?
So with all of that in mind, you might be wondering how in the world you could possibly cope with all of this fatigue in a healthy and productive manner.
Try some of these suggestions.
Prioritize your self-care. The physical manifestation of grief-related fatigue is feeling imbalanced. But rather than attempting to get it back together all at once (and ultimately overwhelming yourself), practice taking care of yourself with one small act at a time. Then, once you’ve accomplished that small act a few days in a row, add another one, and then another, until you eventually find yourself having a steady routine once again.
Downgrade your expectations. Narrow down your responsibilities and your to-do list. When dealing with grief, consider limiting your to-do list to no more than three things, which can range anywhere from “must do” to “if time permits”.
Be patient with yourself and others. It takes time to heal from grief. Don’t rush through the experience or assume that others can do so as well. There’s no timeline for the grief process. Everyone will suffer and work through grief in their own way.
Take things one day at a time. Taking things day by day will help you to take back some of the control in your life, rather than trying to do so all at once. Whenever a person who’s grieving tries to take on too much way too soon, they’re left feeling defeated and out of control. One of the best ways to handle the debilitating exhaustion resulting from grief is to go slow and not try to do too much. For example, allow yourself to slack on the everyday chores. Only do as much as you want to and feel able to.
Get plenty of rest. Rest and sleep are two very different things. Aim for getting rest throughout the day, so that you can get better sleep at night. For example, try meditating or doing an activity that you love during the day, such as reading or going for a walk. In doing something that you enjoy, you allow yourself to step away from the struggles of dealing with grief, and therefore relax your body and mind enough to be able to sleep later on that night.
Remember, grief is heavy. So it’s okay to allow yourself the space to just be in the exhaustion of it all.
Just be sure that, in time, you start working on putting yourself back together again.
Have you ever dealt with grief fatigue? Share your experience in the comments below!
Resources:
Haley, Eleanor. “Does Grief Make You Tired?” What’s Your Grief?, 1 Oct. 2021, https://whatsyourgrief.com/does-grief-make-you-tired/.
Vasquez, Alejandra. “How to Deal With Grief If You’re Exhausted: 10 Ways.” Cake, 31 May 2022, https://www.joincake.com/blog/grief-and-exhaustion/.