Have you ever felt as if you don’t know who you are anymore? Like there’s only the before and the after a particular period in your life? Like you’re stuck somewhere in between and you’d do anything to get back to being who you once were?
We spend a large portion of our lives figuring out who we are as a person. After all, our identity is extremely important to us.
But for those who have experienced something painful and traumatic, the question of who we are can suddenly be an incredibly difficult one to answer.
So if you find yourself feeling this way and are perhaps asking yourself these types of questions, you’re probably experiencing a very common aspect of loss—grieving your past self.
What does “mourning for the self” mean anyway?
While our society has more or less successfully developed expectations of what to do when mourning the loss of someone or something that we loved, it has equally neglected to do the same when the time comes to mourn ourselves.
As therapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel explains, “Some people confuse mourning for the self with self-pity. Merriam-Webster defines self-pity as a self-indulgent dwelling on one’s own sorrows or misfortunes. [But] that’s not what mourning for the self is about. [Mourning] for the self is a painful, but liberating experience of compassion for the self, [particularly after a traumatic event]. [And] processing [these] emotions require a compassionate stance toward ourselves—a stance that many people have difficulty finding.”
In other words, it’s completely normal, albeit often terrifying, to not know exactly who you are or what to do next in the wake of a major loss.
Believe me, I get it.
It’s not fair that loss forces us to become someone else. It’s not fair that when someone or something that we loved dies, it feels like a part of us died, too. It’s not fair that we’re left to pick up the pieces and expected to somehow make something beautiful out of it.
But it’s a necessary part of grief. And it’s something that we must try to use to our advantage in order to heal and move forward.
Because unfortunately—and there’s no easy way to say this—it’s impossible to return to who you once were.
But luckily, that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn how to accept the person that you are now.
How can I grieve who I used to be and come to terms with who I am now?
There’s a wonderful practice that I want you to try when you’re ready and able to properly grieve your past self.
It’s one that I’ve personally done and gotten really positive results out of.
Just remember to keep in mind that whatever it is that you’re going through and whatever emotions you experience are real and valid.
Recognize your past self. To begin the practice, try to find a quiet and private setting where you can sit with yourself. If needed, you can use tools to relax, such as playing soft music or lighting a candle. Once you’re settled, take a few long, deep breaths. Admit to yourself that you’ve experienced a loss and begin to search for who you once were within your memory. You can close your eyes and place a hand on your heart if that helps. Ask yourself what exactly it is that you miss about them—is it a hobby that you no longer enjoy? A perspective on life that you now question? Someone or something that they once had that you no longer do? Whatever it may be, try to clarify it and name it.
Accept your past self. Once you’ve recognized your past self, it’s time to face them fully. If needed, you can have an old picture of yourself to address directly. Let them know that you accept them and their differences from who you are now. Reminisce on the time that you shared together. Thank them for taking you this far and let them know that you’ll always carry them with you.
Release your past self. Then, when you’re ready, try to let them go. This can be done in any fashion—screaming, crying, embracing yourself in a tight hug—whatever feels right for you.
Remind yourself that you are still you and that it’s going to be okay. Once you’ve allowed whatever is necessary to come and go, take a few more long, deep breaths to close out the practice. While it may feel tempting to just forget or ignore your past self and completely start over, it’s important to remind yourself that there are parts of you that will remain the same forever. Whether it be something small, like your favorite book, or something grand, like your empathy towards others, you haven’t totally lost who you are. No amount of grief or pain can take that away. It’s going to be okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.
Introduce yourself to your new self and greet them with compassion. It’s okay if everything feels out of place right now. You’ve experienced a great deal of trauma, and you’re allowed to take the time to process that. But when you’re ready, try to introduce yourself to the new self that you’re becoming. You can do this by looking at your reflection in the mirror, writing yourself a letter, or whatever else feels right for you. Invite them into your heart and plan to greet them each and every day with compassion.
Are you ready to embrace who you are now after grieving your past self?
I for one am thrilled to meet them.
What was your experience in grieving your past self? Share in the comments below!
Resources:
Hendel, Hilary. “Why Mourning for the Self Is a Necessary Part of Healing.” NAMI, 21 Jan. 2022, www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/January-2022/Why-Mourning-for-the-Self-Is-a-Necessary-Part-of-Healing.