In our chaotic and stressed-out world today, we constantly hear about the practice of “self-love”.
We see it in the television shows that we watch, we hear it in the podcasts that we listen to, we read about it in bestselling books by our favorite celebrities, and we even have apps for it right on our phones.
But what exactly does practicing self-love mean for someone who’s grieving?
Well, it’s not the stereotypical “I’m going to take a hot bubble bath to try and relax” kind of self-love (although that’s nice).
But real self-love.
The kind of self-love that’s transformative and helps you to grow despite the trauma that you’ve experienced.
Let me explain.
What does the term “self-love” mean?
According to the Brain & Behavior Research Foundation, self-love, to put it simply, is the appreciation for oneself.
It looks totally different for each person, as we all have many ways of taking care of ourselves, but in general, it means having an increased desire for one’s own well-being and happiness.
However, when asking the average person what they think self-love really means, the answer’s often one of uncertainty.
Is it pampering ourselves? Is it having a big ego? Or is it something else?
The mass overload of conflicting information that we face each and every day has unfortunately caused this confusion.
Fact vs. Fiction
So what does self-love really mean? And what does it not? As writer Emily Frank of Pureauty Natural explains:
Self-love doesn’t mean selfishness. Loving oneself and giving priority to one’s own happiness is not selfish. Taking action without considering other people’s feelings is selfish, but making a decision to do something that’s good for you (and in the long run, good for those around you) is not.
Materialistic pampering isn’t the key to self-love. Self-love isn’t just about one’s physical self-care. In fact, it really isn’t about one’s physical appearance at all; that’s just what our society has set as criteria for being “lovable”. But this mentality can actually be really problematic, because labeling people who have nice skin or a new haircut as “lovable” versus people with acne scars and chewed-off nails as “unlovable”, for example, is extremely harmful. Now that doesn’t mean not paying attention to your physical appearance. If getting your nails done or taking a bubble bath helps you to feel better, then great, do those things! Just remember to not rely on them to be your only acts of self-love. Instead, try looking beyond the ways you present yourself on the surface level to something deeper and more meaningful within.
Self-love doesn’t mean being egotistical. Yes, it’s true that arrogance is a love for oneself. But that’s not what self-love is. It’s actually the process of granting ourselves compassion, forgiveness, and understanding, so that when troubling times arise we have the ability to extend these things to both ourselves and others as well.
It’s not a sign of weakness to practice self-love. There’s no “weak” or “strong” when it comes to self-love. Everyone needs it. No matter who they are or where they come from.
What does self-love look like in grief?
But as a griever, how can you practice self-love?
After all, grief isn’t as simple as having a bad day or failing that one math test that you studied for. It’s real and serious trauma.
Try some of these suggestions from counseling psychologist Eleanor Haley of What’s Your Grief:
Don’t compare. Learn what you can from the grief experiences of others, but don’t compare. Don’t compare your coping methods, your overall perception of healing, or even your current self with your past self with someone else’s. It isn’t helpful for you or for them. In grief, everyone’s ups and downs happen at different times and in different ways.
Accept that a wide range of experiences is normal in grief. Having a narrow idea of what’s normal in grief can often cause a person to feel like they’re not doing as well as they ought to, or worse, like they’re completely losing it altogether. So instead, try learning about the various emotional, physical, and behavioral responses that are considered “normal” in grief. It won’t necessarily make distressing experiences any easier, but at least you’ll have the reassurance of knowing that there’s nothing wrong with you. Because there really isn’t.
Give distressing emotions and experiences the time and attention that they need. This might seem counterintuitive, as focusing on distressing emotions and experiences seems like torture, but it isn’t helpful to run away from them, either. Try finding constructive ways to heal where you can and to manage the pain where you can’t.
Ask for and/or accept help. As simple as this may sound, and as difficult or uncomfortable as it may be, it’s necessary for your healing.
Focus on basic needs like breathing, sleeping, and eating. The importance of meeting your basic needs is often overlooked when your entire world has been shattered to pieces. But if you’re able to meet some of your most basic needs, you’ll be in a better position physically and emotionally to deal with the grief that you’re experiencing.
Give yourself a break. Look, sometimes you just need to give your brain, body, and frayed emotions a rest!
Love who or what you lost unapologetically. An ongoing love and attachment for what’s now gone is totally normal and deserved in grief. Ignore the side-eye of society that tells you otherwise. It’s totally okay.
How do you practice self-love in grief? Share one way in the comments below!
Resources:
Borenstein, J. “Self-Love and What It Means.” 12 Feb., 2020, .
Haley, Eleanor. “7 Ways to Treat Yourself With Kindness While Grieving.” What’s Your Grief?, 8 Mar. 2019, .
Frank, Emily. “The Biggest Myths About Self Love.” Pureauty Naturals, Pureauty Naturals, 4 Feb., 2020, .